I love having big boobs. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a dark (droopy) side. Here are some common issues facing the busty who walk among us.
1. You can’t wear button down shirts because the buttons gape open and you basically look semi-naked. One time I realized this was happening 30 minutes into a work meeting. It’s like having spinach in your teeth, but boobs.
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2. It’s impossible to find cute bras that fit. All the lacy balconette bras Victoria’s Secret models wear? Look away — because YOU get a giant grandma support bra with two-inch-wide beige straps.
3. No bathing suits fit. Ever. Not one pieces, not two pieces, not red pieces, not blue pieces.
4. People (even those who don’t know you well!) say things to you (even in casual conversation!) like, “Have you ever thought about getting a breast reduction?” No, have you ever thought about getting a nose job? Maybe you could at least turn around and go check your nosiness at the door, then?
5. People ask you if your back hurts. While I realize this is an issue for some women, it’s weird when people assume that something I actually like about my body is a disability.
6. Everyday exercises are basically not possible. There is thismuch space between my boobs and the floor during a push-up.
7. You have to wear more than one sports bra if you’re going to attempt to work out. Sometimes two, sometimes — UGH — three. Sometimes you wish you could temporarily mummify your boobs just for your workouts.
8. You automatically look sexual in everything you wear. Your average American Eagle V-neck or henley looks cute and casual on medium- and small-busted girls but inevitably looks like some “da club” outfit on you.
9. You look especially sexual in bathing suits. There is soooo much cleavage. Even in a one-piece bathing suit you look like you’re trying to get cast in the Hooters calendar.
10. People ask what size bra you are. Both men and women. This is weird and rude. I don’t go around asking you how much you, like, weigh.
11. Guys pay too much attention to your boobs in bed, as if assuming that big boobs automatically equate to “extremely sensitive clitoris-like pleasure appendages.” Not true.
12. You are constantly bothered by dressing advice for “curvy” figures because the advice is always bullshit. Like that thing about belting things at the waist? You look like you’re presenting your boobs on a platter.
13. You can never wear anything backless. You basically cry while watching the Oscars red carpet, jealous of all the side boob you will never flaunt.
14. You can’t wear any bridesmaids dresses because they’re ALWAYS strapless. Damn you brides and your strapless dress leanings. DAMN YOU.
15. You can’t wear blazers. Because they all gape open at the bottom so that your torso looks like a big bell. That cliché work advice about just throwing on a blazer over your dress for your job interview is, to you, fake.
16. You can only wear bib necklaces. Because long ones dangle off the precipice of your boobs like a cat toy.
17. Cross body bags awkwardly snuggle up to your armpit. Like you’re nursing a baby.
18. You look positively beastly if you’re cut off mid-boob in a photo.
19. You feel special kinship with Kate Upton. She can go right on with her busty self.
20. You always wonder what Christina Hendricks has going on underneath her clothes. Because her rack defies all big boob physics, as you — one owner of big boobs — has come to understand them.
21. You are horrified of the idea of being pregnant because even though you love your big boobs, they are big enough.