How To Own A Nigerian Slave

The Nigerian god is faithful. He has blessed your hustle with a husband. With a god-fearing wife. We give him all the praise.

As a Nigerian husband, your wife needs assistance. Look away and provide it. Do not ask too many questions. You work as a team. If you hear the girl screaming do not intervene. Now step aside while I tell your wife how to do this properly.

As a Nigerian wife, you began your wifely hustle by going out of your way to show your dutifulness, things that would make him go online and thank god for blessing him thus — cooking, cleaning and never saying no to him. God will meet you at the point of your needs and bless you for this. However, something is happening to you. Tiredness is setting in. You feel nauseous and irritated. The doctor has told you that you are having a baby. You and your husband agree that you cannot keep up with the house work with this growing human mass in your tummy. It is time for a house help. Your husband has left you to take care of it.

You have many choices. There is the choice of young poor girls from the north who have been trained to work like horses, want little and show gratitude for whatever they receive. The girl may have thinning brown hair from lack of nutrition and may look stunted at 12 but trust me she knows how to fetch water, wash piles of clothes and sweep endlessly.

You also have the choice of taking the pre-pubescent out-of-wedlock daughter of that distant cousin whom you have never met in your village. You had heard that a boy got her pregnant at 14 and ran away thereafter. Since then the daughter has suffered stigma and neglect as well as blocked any chances of your cousin getting a husband. Those village people can be unforgiving.

There is that aunt in the village who promised you someone to help when you came for your traditional marriage in the village. You turned down the offer then. Now is the time to call that aunt and tell her that the housework will kill you soon. She will laugh on the other end of the line and tell you not to worry. You will remind her that you don’t want a boy o! Boys are hard to control. ‘I have heard,’ she will say and in one or two weeks you will receive your package of an awkward prepubescent girl.

Then there is the international connection — the kids from Togo or Benin Republic. Someone has told you of these young kids from Benin Republic whose salary you will pay to a man who will claim to be their uncle or cousin. Hard working children with nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. Perfect.

Let me just say clearly that you do not need a person of legal age, an adult who will one day kill you all in your sleep, kidnap or bewitch your children or worse, (and god forbid) snatch your husband from you. Don’t roll your eyes and say your husband would never do that. We all know how men are trash. You need a child. Anyone who quotes the Child’s Right Act and calls employing anyone under the legal age child labour, God will give them paralysis of the mouth. How else do they want you to get the house work done without arousing your poor husband?

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When the young girl comes, the first thing to do is to, without her consent, is test her for hepatitis, HIV and other infections. You don’t want her bringing diseases into your godly, healthy home. If you must, go to the second hand store and buy her two old dresses — one for work and one for sleep. Or maybe one extra used one for church, which you must warn her only to wear on Sundays. You can’t have her embarrassing you too much in church. If you don’t have boys quarters, clear out the store so she can sleep there. Otherwise get an old mattress that she will use somewhere in a corner of the living room. As she is the first to wake and last to sleep, you won’t have to see it at all so don’t worry.

You need to cut her hair. It is better. Both of you should not be struggling to groom your hair. You can’t have her stealing your expensive hair products. Anything a small comb or brush can’t do must go. The more unattractive she looks, the better for you and your marriage. Like we said before, it is not your fault that men are trash. Design flaw.

There is no need to waste money sending her to school. It is not your fault that her parents can’t afford to. In fact she should be grateful that you are giving her a rare opportunity to come to the city and make some money. If she spends all her time at school, when will she do the house work? But if you absolutely have to, find a cheap school, maybe one with evening classes she can attend. Something simple that won’t confuse her about her station in life. Imagine taking her to a place where she learns about discombobulating ideas like human rights. God forbid.

Discipline: Very important. Sometimes screaming degrading insults is not enough to put an ungrateful, sloppy house help in line. The phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” necessarily includes the children who do your household chores and care for your family. Sometimes they get too comfortable. Sometimes they are possessed by demons. Only a healthy dose of flogging, chaining and starvation can rid them of evil spirits or too much comfort.

Watch the food she eats. Especially the meat. Nothing makes a house help grow wings like pieces of meat. Meat has a way of creating a sense of entitlement in a person. Especially chicken. You don’t want that to happen.

Don’t make the mistake of allowing her to have friends. Whether with the help next door or with the one in the shop down the street or the one grinding tomatoes near the market. She did not come to your house to play and network. Next thing you know they will connive and do something evil to you.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there comes a time when you must let the house help go. Instances include when you notice that she has become a woman and is almost needing the same bra size as you. Like I said three million times above, men are what? Men are trash! They see breasts and they lose their minds. You need to be proactive and protect your husband from himself. Send her away and look for another prepubescent one to take her place.

Do not go looking for answers where you have no business looking. If the man who brought a girl from Benin Republic says he is her Uncle, then he is her Uncle. If he says he will hold her salary for her, then he will. The less you know the better. Giving money to a third party ensures that it will be safe.

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Do these and the wonderful Nigerian god will, through your enslaved person, lighten your load and bless your hustle.

So, Nigerian husband, like I said before, don’t ask. As long as your children are being taken care of and the food is on the table and the house is clean, then everything is as god planned it to be. God bless!

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